the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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