im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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