so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
