her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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