I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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