Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
