She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Less talking, more tequila
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
