when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
