My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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