can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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