i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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