I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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