my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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