70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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