McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
