FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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