when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He felt like a one man threesome
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
