My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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