Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
