Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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