i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
