my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
