Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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