I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
