So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
