I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
