This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
