So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Everything about him screamed your future.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Randomize
