i think i scared a bird with my dick
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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