Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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