eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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