I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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