he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
