My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
