Just fell off a train. Bad.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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