What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
