He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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