i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
there's paper in my vomit.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
