I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
