ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
