I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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