I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
