some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
