Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
