I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
