I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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