Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
