I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
