I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
