I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
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